Recovery Journal

Happy News

2011-09-03T02:34:00.001-07:00

On the 3rd of August the Psychology Council agreed that I can return to work as a psychologist. That's happy news from my point of view - I want to help others, as well as make a living for myself in the world.

The Wisdom of Others

2011-07-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

I think all sentient beings share the same wisdom nature as you and me. I think it is somewhat ridiculous to hold that images on a video screen have the same nature (not the actors themselves, their representations). But what about 'auditory hallucinations'? I think in some cases these are beings with a Buddha nature like all of us. Take Socrates personal deity - sometimes the supernatural intersects ordinary lives. 'Superstition is a name the ignorant give to their ignorance'. I think 'hallucinations' are the same as every aspect of mind. It is a law governed phenomena. The mind is karma, Great Mind is immanent within it.

Questioning

2011-07-04T04:48:00.000-07:00

When the Lord said to me "I am the God of Abraham", was he lying? I heard his voice within my mind, not with my physical ears. I was so afraid of his wrath that I urinated in my pants, involuntarily. I've never done that before. I nearly defecated in my pants, but I managed to control that. Was my experience a mere hallucination? Sometimes I question what actually happened. But if it was an hallucination, how was it able to save my life when I stabbed myself in the heart, on His command? No, I think it really was God. But perhaps I am mistaken. It's a pretty confusing experience. What with the medico's telling me one thing, and my initial interpretation pointing in the opposite direction.

The next time a God or Goddess reveals themselves to me, I will raise the question with them of whether they are an hallucination of mine. I will ask them to prove their divine status to me in some way. I suppose that this has already happened, but each time a new God appears, they will be tested by me.

Voices Vic

2011-03-09T06:21:00.000-08:00

Some recent news. I applied for and have been offered a position with Voices Vic, an organisation for voice hearers in my state. Part of the role will be to run an internet based support group for people that hear voices (like I have). Cool huh?

I've been extremely slack about my yoga and meditation recently. It's not that I don't want the benefits, it's just that I feel lazy lately. I'll blame it on the medication - no, that's no use. I'm just lazy.

Haven't been hearing any voices lately, or any other symptoms.

The reality of voices

2011-02-12T22:23:00.000-08:00

I may have said this in a previous post, but my assumption or faith about experience generally is that it is nothing but an illusion or a dream. Inner perception or intuition is nothing more than a dream within a dream, or so it seems to me. I would admit that inner perceptions can be accurate or inaccurate. I try to determine which mine are, but this doesn't always seem possible. I think I have reached the point where I can live with that uncertainty. I know that I have not yet attained all wisdom, and this is okay.

Influence

2011-02-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

I seem to be capable of working skillfully with my own inner ('psychotic') experience. For instance, I have discovered that practicing Buddhist 'Metta' (or 'lovingkindness') towards the voices tends to improve my relationship with them. It also seems to open the way to a change in the power relationship with the voices (ie. with them seeming in the beginning to have the upper hand, and this reversing later on due to skillful action on my part).

I seem to be capable of processing the emotions that the voices evoke (for example, terror/apprehension/despair), of disputing truth claims made by them, and of cognitive restructuring around the adversities that they can represent.

Reality Testing

2011-02-08T23:29:00.000-08:00

In my training as a psychologist I was introduced to scientific method. This influenced me quite a lot, and I still think of myself as skeptical and enquiring - an empiricist. My 'psychosis' (I prefer to use the term 'inner perception' since this is less pathologising) is very interesting. Of course perceptions can be inaccurate or accurate. Because of my scientific bent what I've tried to do is to test what I am inwardly experiencing against 'external' reality. This hasn't been easy as a lot of the time my 'psychosis' or inner perception involves dealings with such entities or sentient beings as Gods and demons, things that it's difficult to verify through observation. What I do know is that I've been mistaken on at least a couple of occasions. For example, I had a mental image that my old boss Chester shot himself. So I rang him up and he was quite alive. Also, I had a supposedly 'clairvoyant' inner perception that my ex Georgia cut her own tongue out. I rang her up and she assured me that this wasn't the case. So I know I can be wrong, or mistaken. This couple of times that I've been able to reality test and discovered that my mind has been misleading me seems to cast into doubt the rest of my inner perceptions. But this knowledge that I can be wrong isn't necessarily a bad thing. For example, in my 'hearing voices' I supposedly clairvoyantly heard the voice of my old boss Chester saying that I'd have to go to hell and such things as 'you won't be singing any hosannas where you are going'. This caused me to suffer considerably and I can think of no more depressing thought to have to live with than that one is going to suffer immense torment for a very long time. It's terrifying, but that became my psychological 'reality'. But the fact that I can be wrong means that it's not necessarily true. This 'psychosis' has really involved a confrontation with my fear of going to hell (which I never had before I adopted a religious outlook on life). The voices have caused me to suffer so much, so much terror, so much apprehension. I think it's terrible that people aren't usually offered psychotherapy for psychosis, just put on drugs, as there can be considerable psychological suffering that arises from psychosis.

Accept Your Suffering

2011-01-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

Not only mental illness but also in so many different ways experience involves suffering. The mind seems ordinarily to desire things or to be averse to them. We experience something pleasurable and want more of that, we experience something painful and want that experience to go away. Of course experiences do come and go, they also stay for sometimes extended periods of time. When an unpleasant experience arises, there can be a tendency to want to be comforted straight away, to reject the experience of suffering. While I don't believe that torturing oneself will necessarily achieve much of value, I also think that we have to learn to accept what we cannot change. It seems to me that there is wisdom in accepting suffering when suffering is present. Things can seem to come and go in their own time, and wishing for instant relief doesn't necessarily bring about the cessation of suffering. Perhaps it is true that what happens to us is our karma. I think there is wisdom in accepting one's karma. I don't think that means we have to see the unpleasant as pleasant, merely that we may be well advised to tolerate as bravely as possible what cannot be changed. Perhaps I will periodically experience 'hallucinations' for the rest of my life, if this is the case I feel that I can now accept it if it is to be, even though that's not what I want to happen. There is no point demanding that reality be other than exactly how it is. I know that these 'hallucinations' won't kill me (or at least I don't think they will - I suspect the only way that this could happen would be if they convinced me to kill myself, but I have resolved that I'm not going to do that). Recently I have slept very little, so there is for me at present the suffering because of that. Very well, I will simply put up with that, since there is little that I can do to change it for the moment. 'And this to shall pass' - eventually I will sleep, I know that.

Beliefs about 'mental illness'

2011-01-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

A great Zen master once said 'sentient beings are Buddha, as ice by nature is water. Without water, there is no ice, without beings, no Buddha'. I believe in this statement quite strongly. My fundamental belief about all beings is that they are Buddha. This includes individuals with so called 'mental illness'. I believe that the realized mind of a Buddha is beyond description. It isn't suffering. This is our true mind, our true nature. It has been said 'Nirvana is hapiness'. It might be described as 'grandiose' for a human being to assert that they are God (is it really grandiose?), but it is certainly not grandiose for a human being to assert that they are a Buddha, because that is fundamentally true, or so I believe. I believe that we live in a realm of illusion, 'samsara', that is also absolute Reality. In the Diamond Sutra it says 'everything is like a dream, a bubble, an illusion, a shadow, like the evanescent dew or the lightning flash (impermanent, not lasting forever), and thus should we look upon and practice it, as being due to causes and conditions'. Also in the Dhammapada it says 'see the world as a dream, see the world as an illusion'. So to reiterate, I believe that all of our experiences are illusory, however at the same time they are absolute Reality. The ordinary sensing of a person without mental illness is the sensing of an illusion, and the sensing of a person with 'mental illness' is also the sensing of an illusion. In this way they are no different. Ordinary non 'mentally ill' consciousness is consciousness of samsara/Nirvana, and so called 'mentally ill' consciousness is consciousness of samsara/Nirvana. They are no different in this way. A 'hallucination' is an experience of samsara/Nirvana, and an ordinary non hallucinatory experience is one of samsara/Nirvana. A 'delusion' is an experience of samsara/Nirvana, and an ordinary non 'deluded' experience is one of samsara/Nirvana. What is the cause of 'mental illness'? In the history of psychiatry, there have been many explanations. Dr Peter Breggin, in his book 'Toxic Psychiatry', talks about some of these. He describes how a currently prevalent theory is that mental illness stems from a chemical disorder within the brain. Consciousness is seen as being produced by the brain, it seems. As an alternative, my conceptualisation of consciousness is that it is simply reality/Reality - that is, the entirety of sentient beings and physical and non-physical things in all of the universes throughout all time. My understanding of the cause of mental illness is that it is a karmic phenomena, that is, causes and conditions. I believe that an event can have more than one cause. I don't believe that mental illness is necessarily all about chemical imbalances in the brain, although brain chemistry may be involved. I think that the interconnectedness of the body and consciousness is somewhat mysterious, at least to me. I think that the brain is certainly involved in consciousness. Rene Decartes I think believed that the pineal gland (or 'third eye') is involved in the interconnectedness of mind and body. But I think that body and mind are not really a duality. To me it seems that the body is mind, it is consciousness, as all things are. I suspect that Descartes is correct when he says that the pineal gland is especially important. It has been said 'all is karma' and that is what I believe about mental illness, is that it is karma. I also believe that it is an illusion. I think that words can be enormously powerful. For instance I don't think it is a good idea to identify with illness. I think that it is better to assert that one is Buddha, on an essential or fundamental level free from suffering. If one is suffering within the mind, then I think that it a better practice to conceptualize oneself as being in a relationship with the symptoms, rather than being the symptoms oneself. I don't think that it is a good practice to ever say 'I am mad' as I believe that words can be productive of realities. I think that it is an acceptable practice to acknowledge 'suffering' if suffering seems to be present in the body or mind, but I think that there is no need to identify with it.

One foot in front of the other...

2010-12-13T04:43:00.000-08:00

Recovery for me at the moment is a matter of making steady progress. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm making much headway, but I'm sticking to my routine of exercise, meditation, and yoga everyday and hoping that something positive will come of it. I see the wisdom of just taking 'a day at a time'. It's just one foot in front of the other, follow your routine, day after day. It does feel a bit like I've reached a plateau in terms of my relaxation training. At first I could really feel the benefit, now I think I've become accustomed to that. I do believe that the mind is becoming calmer as I progress. One recent benefit of my practice is that I seem to feel more positively disposed towards others. It's been something like 13 weeks since I've had a cigarette, which is great by my record. It really isn't that difficult since I have adequate replacement therapy. And my alcohol consumption is minimal. I think I had a couple of glasses of wine on the weekend, but found no problems with stopping at two. I do feel that my physical stamina is improving with regular exercise.

Views and Fears

2010-11-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Since adopting a religious outlook on life (that death isn't the end), I seem to have developed this morbid fear of going to hell. When I was an athiest I didn't have this problem. So sometimes being religious seems to work against me, detract from my enjoyment of life. I've considered just changing my view back to atheism, because that would be much easier. However I just suspect that the religious outlook is the correct one. Where I stand is that I'm just not sure what's going on.

My fears aren't helped by the prophesies of doom that I get from the voices. I don't know how many times I've been told that things are going to go poorly for me, that I am doomed. They seem to suggest that I have no hope. My attitude is that I can make up my own mind what to think about the future. I want to stay positive, but it isn't easy with these voices. I just don't know what's realistic. I think that you can choose to believe what you want to believe.

I perceive some of the voices as quite bossy and directive. The message that I get from them is sort of 'you have to do what I say or you will go through intense suffering'. I don't like being ordered about by the voices. I get command hallucinations, and I think that I'm learning that I don't have to do everything that I'm told.

More Insomnia

2010-11-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

Slept last night, but prior to that have had extended periods of insomnia. I've also experienced worry about the future, that things might not work out the way that I want them to. There is a bit of catastrophising, but that may be part of a process of working through.

I really feel that the yoga is helping me. My eczema seems to be improving, and I don't seem to be scratching my lesions and other affected areas.

There are more voices but they are respectful and minimally bossy. It's interesting how there are different qualities with different voices. There are classes of voices, with different qualities. Some voices seem to be very wise and helpful. I can't help wondering if they aren't real people. I veer between thinking that they are just a product of brain dysfunction, which my psychiatrist seems to be encouraging me to believe, or whether there is some other explanation. I wonder if I'll ever get to the bottom of this issue. I am trying to use reality checking in relation to this issue. I have definitely been misguided on at least one occasion.

I'm pleased to have joined a voice hearers group and find this approach fascinating.

I plan to carry on with my practice in the hope that I will be calmer emotionally and psychologically, and that this may affect the voices as well.

Motivation

2010-11-14T05:53:00.000-08:00

Didn't sleep at all last night, the insomnia is pretty bad. Did manage a couple of hours this morning, but I'm really wiped out at the moment. Lack of sleep really affects my motivation to do things.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

2010-11-12T04:54:00.000-08:00

My skin is really bad lately. I have severe eczema, a skin disturbance that covers most of my body. There are lesions all over the place, and I find it really difficult to stop scratching! I'm going to the dermatologist soon to start UV light therapy, where they blast you with UV light. It's supposed to really help the skin. I can't wait! I have to learn to be more regular with my corticosteroid cream treatment. Having bad skin seems unattractive and doesn't help me to feel good about myself. But, we all suffer in one form or another I suppose. :-( On the more objective side, it's interesting how the mind and body are inter-related. When my mind became disturbed, my skin became really bad as well.

I find it really difficult to accept that the cause of my 'mental illness' is biochemical. It's just that I'm aware, recollect very clearly, the psychosocial stressors that led up to my breakdown. There were all these stresses leading up to me becoming terribly anxious. There were a lot of things that I could talk about, and perhaps I will in subsequent posts. But here I just want to mention that prior to my breakdown I was in a relationship with a woman who said that she suffered from a mental illness. I think part of the lead up to me becoming unwell was that I seemed to become identified with her. I wonder if there have been any studies done of mental illness and observational learning. I feel that she was in the 'sick role', and somehow through the relationship I started to enter into the sick role myself. Somehow through my identification with her I began to question my own sanity. I think what happened then was that I began to panic with the thought that I might be mentally ill as well. Before that relationship I was quite okay. I don't want to blame her, and there's more to it than that (much more), but I just want to bring the subject up.

Uncertainty

2010-11-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

Reading my book on the research evidence for recovery from severe mental illness, it seems that outcomes are heterogeneous, which is to say that some (about 50%) get better, some stay about the same, and some get worse (just in terms of symptoms). At the moment I don't know which category I'm going to fall into. I live with uncertainty in this way. But then we all live with uncertainty. Mental illness doesn't discriminate and anybody could get it, so even people who have never experienced it live with uncertainty. Uncertainty is just the human condition. It would be nice to know what the future holds, but we have to live without this.

Whether or not my symptoms stay gone (I don't have any at the moment) or come back, I can aim at gaining a more peaceful and happy mind through my yoga and meditation practice. I just don't think it's the case that because I've been through these extreme state experiences I can't attain a more peaceful and happy mind.

And perhaps it is true that if I continue to act ethically my karma will be better for the future. The Buddha taught that things don't last. Maybe this illness won't.

The Dreamer

2010-11-07T05:46:00.001-08:00

I took a personality test. I think it's based on Jungian psychology. Anyway, it showed that I'm a dreamer (which I knew to begin with, right).

If you want to read more about people like me, here is the link:

http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infp/

Mad Pride

2010-11-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am a mental patient. I've been giving some thought to 'mad pride' and what it means to me. It's a work in progress. I suppose in the same way that there are multiple definitions of what mental health 'recovery' is, so there is no one definition of what mad pride is either. I'm a member of the mad pride group on facebook, but actually I struggle with being proud of who I am, this personality that has been labelled mentallly ill. I think I have a lot of internalised stigma, I'm really still working on that. When I first 'broke down' about five years ago now, I really resisted incorporating 'mental illness' into my self-definition. I knew that things weren't going that well for me, but the concept that I was seriously mentally ill was alien. I just thought that I'd had a breakdown and that I'd get over it. It wasn't until I was hospitalised and labelled that my self-definition began to change. I think that before my breakdown I was very invested in a 'sane' identity, and that was very hard to give up. Was there shame? You bet. There was talk of me being mad before I was actually labelled, I suspect. And I really resisted the 'problem story' of mental illness.

I am basically a liberal humanist in that I believe in the dignity and worth of all humans, whether they are labelled mentally ill or not. I think there's something dehumanising about the diagnostic process. I can remember going to a dinner party at a friend's house about the time I broke down. A psych nurse was there. He said "treat them like they are animals, because that's what they are". You do get that attitude, that we are less than human because of the illnesses we bear. I suppose that my concept of mad pride at the moment is to resist that dehumanising discourse, mad pride to me is to assert my basic humanity. I suffer, but that doesn't make me less of a person.

And then there's the centrality of human rights. I'm a mental patient, but I'm also an involuntary mental patient. I'm subject to forced drugging. That to my way of thinking is a violation of my basic human rights. Supposedly I don't have the capacity to give informed consent, even though I'm a psychologist. Part of mad pride to me is to assert my right to choose, or not to choose medication.

Books

2010-11-04T06:16:00.001-07:00

My books arrived from Boston University. It's about recovery:
http://www.bu.edu/cpr/products/books/titles/rsmi-1.html

Should make interesting reading.

Binge on sleepers

2010-11-04T03:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I took an overdose of prescribed medication, sleepers that my psychiatrist had prescribed me. I didn't want to kill myself or anything, I just wanted to sleep to that I could be awake the following day for my appointments with my dermatologist and dietitian. First I took a couple, then when that didn't seem to work I just took a couple more, then more again. I did eventually flake out but when my alarm went off for the dermo today at 11.45am I just slept through it. The afternoon is just a black out for me, it seems like a dream. Somewhere along the way I managed to lock myself out of the house (I think I was still intoxed from the pills), so I had to use the neighbours phone to call my family and get a key. My mum thought I must be having a hypo, but I think what was really going on was that I was still intoxed. Anway I missed both my appointments today, and feel so lazy I don't want to do my routine today. Books on recovery have arrived from Boston University, think I'll have a look at them. Listening to PJ Harvey at the moment.

Alcohol and Cigarettes

2010-11-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

I think that I need to acknowledge here that I am actually a 'dual diagnosis' patient. That is, not only have I had mental health issues, but also a substance use problem with alcohol. When I first broke down I had tremendous anxiety, and I started drinking. Actually what happened was that I heard a 'voice' in my mind, the apparent voice of my boss at work, telling me 'pick up a drink'. So, that's just what I did. And because my untreated anxiety was so bad my alcohol use spiraled out of control. At my worst I was drinking between six and eight beers a day, which maybe doesn't sound like that much, but I was doing it every day and I just couldn't stop. I knew it was a problem, but I suppose that I was scared about seeking help for this because of my professional status and what it would mean for me. It took me over a year before I entered into counselling for my alcohol addiction, which was helpful, but it wasn't until I was hospitalised for mental health issues that I was able to see that I really didn't need alcohol in my life. I couldn't get any alcohol in hospital, and that broke the spell. After my first hospitalisation, I think it was for a couple of weeks, I was abstinent for something like 8 months. Then I started to drink on a 'controlled' basis, which meant that I counted my drinks and tried to make sure that I didn't go too far. In the years since there have been a couple of times when my alcohol use has been a bit high, but at the moment I hardly drink at all. I can go for weeks and weeks without a drink, and not miss it. And it feels great!

Cigarettes are damn hard to kick. At the moment I've been on nicotine replacement therapy for about six or seven weeks, and going strong. I've got to quit smoking because I've been diagnosed diabetic. I sure hope that I make it this time. I'm getting help from a smoking cessation nurse, and I like the process.

Resistance

2010-10-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

What I have experienced, possibly as part of my so called disorder, is a sense of mental unease, disquiet, and I think the best word for it is anguish. We know that medication and talk therapy can be effective as treatments, and I engage in both of these (albeit involuntarily in the case of medication). But there are alternative healing modalities available, and I think this is what I am trying to do with my yoga and meditation. These are both arts that take time to master. Particularly in the case of meditation I don't think the benefit necessarily comes immediately. I think that the mentally calming influence of relaxation in yoga comes much quicker for me. But what I notice is that I resist the practice - I really have to make myself do it, even though I enjoy the sense of peace that it results in. What has stuck in my mind from the book I'm working from is these words; "Yoga is a discipline". Well said. You have to work at gaining peace of mind, it takes an effort. Before my breakdown I enjoyed a degree of peace without effort, now I have to break through my initial resistance to do the practice and gain the eventual benefit. Is it worth it? I think so. I'm going to give it a go, anyway.

Another sleepless night

2010-10-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

My insomnia has been pretty bad recently. I seem to have developed the habit of being a real night owl. I sleep during the day and am up at night. For example, last night I didn't sleep at all. But I got to sleep about 9am today, and woke up about 3.30pm this afternoon. That's just my pattern lately. The insomnia is a real obstacle to me going back to work, I feel. But as I'm not working at the moment it doesn't really bother me that much. As long as I can get enough sleep in a 24 hour period, I don't really care whether that takes place at night or during the day. Sleeping at night is a preference, not a demand. I do like the sunshine, would like to see the sun. Just that it's not the way that it's working out for me right now.

My psychiatrist did start me on an anti-depressant, Lexam, a while ago. But when I started not to sleep at night he was concerned that I might be being tipped into mania by the Lexam, so he advised me to discontinue it, which I did. But the insomnia remains. I don't think that I'm manic at the moment, just that my sleep/wake cycle is way out. I have had periods years ago when I just couldn't sleep at all for days and days on end, and I think that's how I ended up being labelled manic. I have to say that at that time I really was in an extreme state. But at the moment I'm not experiencing any 'hallucinations', there are no positive symptoms present for me.

The yoga starts to work...

2010-10-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

After my hospitalisation (number 8) for two months in the middle of '09, I just lay in bed for ages and ages staring at the wall. I think this was because they put my anti-psychotic medication (Risperdal) up from 35 to 75 (fortnightly depot). At first I was just drooling and couldn't even walk properly from this medication, I shuffled. With psychotic disorders like mine people speak of 'negative symptoms' , things like doing nothing all day. But I don't know if it's actually caused by a combination of habit (no-one asks anything of you in hospital) and 'treatment induced impairment' from the medication. I mean, the Risperdal really affects a person's motivation to do things. So anyway here's me doing a whole lot of very little. Then about 3 months ago I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I was advised that I'd have to begin exercising to manage this effectively, as well as take medication and alter my diet. Now I was exercising on my treadmill before hospitalisation 8, last year, but I stopped when I went into hospital. It's taken the diagnosis of diabetes to begin again, and it's a good thing. I've lost weight, going from 87.5kg to 81.5kg in a matter of weeks, working towards a target weight of 80kg which the dietitian says should be right for my height. Anyway, so I started this routine of exercising every day, thought that I might as well start meditating every day as well. Heck, I wasn't doing anything with my time, I might as well try to do stuff with my time. I should say that I haven't worked in a year and a half, so I've got all this time free, and very little to do with it. So anyway, after about a month of exercise and meditation, I decided that I could also do some yoga practice as well. I feel that this is particularly significant for me, because before my mental health problems I used to really bliss out in the yoga workout final relaxations. So, after about a week of regular practice, I'm starting to feel good again in the relaxations. It's like it happens almost involuntarily, but a smile comes across my face, I feel peaceful and happy. Now this peace and happiness is what I just couldn't reach when I first broke down about five years ago now. All I had was this terrible anxiety, there was no peace of mind at all. Well I'm suffering a lot less now than back then, and now the yoga brings back happiness for me, it's really great. More of it!